This will be a short journal entry about the problems I have and what I am doing to change them.
The first problem I have stems from alcohol. I have been drinking heavily and even more heavily than the usual binge drinker in college since I was 19. This drinking came on as a way to cope with the stress of financial issues, lack of support from home during college and the stress of academia in general. This drinking highlighted tendencies that I have that are well maintained when sober but not when drunk. Lets point them out.
- Aggressive, aggression when channeled in the right way can be helpful. Being aggressive about my goals is what made me be able to juggle multiple jobs during undergrad and grad, have multiple degrees, and get to where I am professionally. The downside of aggression is that it is not the most useful when under the influence and interacting with other people. What seems like a fine interaction to one can be extremely off putting to another. Knowing that the things that make you a force professionally can make you not as great personally was a learning that I have had over the last couple of years.
- Tunnel vision, this leans into being aggressive because people that are aggressive or goal oriented can just focus on the goal and do not stop until it has been met, the issue with that when under the influence and generally can be great when looking to build and grow in your profession..especially one like entertainment or tech. Tunnel vision is dangerous when interacting with people, especially women. Not even only in a physical manner this can cause people to not associate with you because they feel like you only care about one thing about them and treat them as objects vs a whole person. I have been blocked by 2 people due to this and not allowed at a party because of how my drinking has impacted the vibe for certain people (still do not know who they are).
Those two above things have served me in one place but do not serve me in all places. What I need to do is practice discernment when it comes to knowing when the traits that bring you the results you want professionally cannot and should not be used in my personal life, unless I want to go through life alienating folks.
The last one would be since I leveraged not connecting to locations or people so I could pursue my professional goals without making decisions with emotions, that has caused me over time to not invest to getting to know the people I meet, which can make it hard for me to make intimate connections with folks, as well as have people feel like we are cool when we arent and folks feeling like im selfish, while its really me just being personable but not a sign of wanting to build a real relationship past that
What has made me not check in on these is because I have not seen downsides, I have gone through life saying my toxic qualities were okay because I have x happening professionally. Professional achievements cannot be used as a way to justify shitty behavior. Something that I am glad I learned now vs later when something even more drastic could have happened to the people around me due to my inability to control those things. We have seen many a person who because of their professional achievements people overlook the personal. The person I want to be is a person that is respected as a professional and as a person, not just one.
As we go into the new year and look to use this personal writing to guide that year and those coming up. Just remember Josh, what is good for you professionally is not always good personally so be gentle to yourself and practice what you preach.
